Easy as 1-2-3

Posted by Karen Hessen on Sunday, August 7, 2011 Under: humor
I thought you would enjoy seeing a humor piece that will be published in Vista, November 6, 2011.
I enjoyed writing it. I hope you enjoy reading it.

Easy as 1-2-3

by Karen R. Hessen

             When I see a do-it-yourself project kit with “Easy as 1-2-3” boldly written across the box under the picture of the handy homemaker wearing pumps and a string of pearls as she holds the drill in both hands aimed like she is fixing to shoot the lights out of the stars, I have hope. Hope even I can replace the hokey latches on my contractor- built gates.

            Could it be I mistook the meaning of “Easy as 1-2-3” to mean three easy steps? Here is how it really goes:

            Step one – mark and drill pilot holes on outside of gate making sure all latch parts are                                  level and thumb latch works easily. (four steps.)

            Step two – mark and drill pilot holes on inside of gate making sure all latch parts are level                             and the thumb latch is properly placed to lift the latching bar.  (four more steps.)

            Step three – close and secure the gate. (total: nine steps.)

Reality check:

            Weekend one – Mark and drill pilot holes on outside of gate making sure all latch parts are level and thumb latch works easily. Fill and repair all the holes you drilled incorrectly. Wait 48 hours for wood putty to harden.    

            Weekend two – Now that wood putty has hardened, start over with Step One. Since thumb latch does not extend far enough to lift the latching bar, go to hardware store. Buy screw adapter that recesses parts into the wooden gate frame. When you get home, it is too dark to continue.

            Weekend three – Too rainy in Oregon to work outside.

            Weekend four – Standing and looking at your work you notice that, with all the recesses and adapting, nothing lines up. Reread the outside of the box. Go in to change clothes. This time don’t forget the pumps and the pearls. 

 

 

In : humor 


Tags: humor 
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Easy as 1-2-3

Posted by Karen Hessen on Sunday, August 7, 2011 Under: humor
I thought you would enjoy seeing a humor piece that will be published in Vista, November 6, 2011.
I enjoyed writing it. I hope you enjoy reading it.

Easy as 1-2-3

by Karen R. Hessen

             When I see a do-it-yourself project kit with “Easy as 1-2-3” boldly written across the box under the picture of the handy homemaker wearing pumps and a string of pearls as she holds the drill in both hands aimed like she is fixing to shoot the lights out of the stars, I have hope. Hope even I can replace the hokey latches on my contractor- built gates.

            Could it be I mistook the meaning of “Easy as 1-2-3” to mean three easy steps? Here is how it really goes:

            Step one – mark and drill pilot holes on outside of gate making sure all latch parts are                                  level and thumb latch works easily. (four steps.)

            Step two – mark and drill pilot holes on inside of gate making sure all latch parts are level                             and the thumb latch is properly placed to lift the latching bar.  (four more steps.)

            Step three – close and secure the gate. (total: nine steps.)

Reality check:

            Weekend one – Mark and drill pilot holes on outside of gate making sure all latch parts are level and thumb latch works easily. Fill and repair all the holes you drilled incorrectly. Wait 48 hours for wood putty to harden.    

            Weekend two – Now that wood putty has hardened, start over with Step One. Since thumb latch does not extend far enough to lift the latching bar, go to hardware store. Buy screw adapter that recesses parts into the wooden gate frame. When you get home, it is too dark to continue.

            Weekend three – Too rainy in Oregon to work outside.

            Weekend four – Standing and looking at your work you notice that, with all the recesses and adapting, nothing lines up. Reread the outside of the box. Go in to change clothes. This time don’t forget the pumps and the pearls. 

 

 

In : humor 


Tags: humor 
blog comments powered by Disqus

Easy as 1-2-3

Posted by Karen Hessen on Sunday, August 7, 2011 Under: humor
I thought you would enjoy seeing a humor piece that will be published in Vista, November 6, 2011.
I enjoyed writing it. I hope you enjoy reading it.

Easy as 1-2-3

by Karen R. Hessen

             When I see a do-it-yourself project kit with “Easy as 1-2-3” boldly written across the box under the picture of the handy homemaker wearing pumps and a string of pearls as she holds the drill in both hands aimed like she is fixing to shoot the lights out of the stars, I have hope. Hope even I can replace the hokey latches on my contractor- built gates.

            Could it be I mistook the meaning of “Easy as 1-2-3” to mean three easy steps? Here is how it really goes:

            Step one – mark and drill pilot holes on outside of gate making sure all latch parts are                                  level and thumb latch works easily. (four steps.)

            Step two – mark and drill pilot holes on inside of gate making sure all latch parts are level                             and the thumb latch is properly placed to lift the latching bar.  (four more steps.)

            Step three – close and secure the gate. (total: nine steps.)

Reality check:

            Weekend one – Mark and drill pilot holes on outside of gate making sure all latch parts are level and thumb latch works easily. Fill and repair all the holes you drilled incorrectly. Wait 48 hours for wood putty to harden.    

            Weekend two – Now that wood putty has hardened, start over with Step One. Since thumb latch does not extend far enough to lift the latching bar, go to hardware store. Buy screw adapter that recesses parts into the wooden gate frame. When you get home, it is too dark to continue.

            Weekend three – Too rainy in Oregon to work outside.

            Weekend four – Standing and looking at your work you notice that, with all the recesses and adapting, nothing lines up. Reread the outside of the box. Go in to change clothes. This time don’t forget the pumps and the pearls. 

 

 

In : humor 


Tags: humor 
blog comments powered by Disqus

Easy as 1-2-3

Posted by Karen Hessen on Sunday, August 7, 2011 Under: humor
I thought you would enjoy seeing a humor piece that will be published in Vista, November 6, 2011.
I enjoyed writing it. I hope you enjoy reading it.

Easy as 1-2-3

by Karen R. Hessen

             When I see a do-it-yourself project kit with “Easy as 1-2-3” boldly written across the box under the picture of the handy homemaker wearing pumps and a string of pearls as she holds the drill in both hands aimed like she is fixing to shoot the lights out of the stars, I have hope. Hope even I can replace the hokey latches on my contractor- built gates.

            Could it be I mistook the meaning of “Easy as 1-2-3” to mean three easy steps? Here is how it really goes:

            Step one – mark and drill pilot holes on outside of gate making sure all latch parts are                                  level and thumb latch works easily. (four steps.)

            Step two – mark and drill pilot holes on inside of gate making sure all latch parts are level                             and the thumb latch is properly placed to lift the latching bar.  (four more steps.)

            Step three – close and secure the gate. (total: nine steps.)

Reality check:

            Weekend one – Mark and drill pilot holes on outside of gate making sure all latch parts are level and thumb latch works easily. Fill and repair all the holes you drilled incorrectly. Wait 48 hours for wood putty to harden.    

            Weekend two – Now that wood putty has hardened, start over with Step One. Since thumb latch does not extend far enough to lift the latching bar, go to hardware store. Buy screw adapter that recesses parts into the wooden gate frame. When you get home, it is too dark to continue.

            Weekend three – Too rainy in Oregon to work outside.

            Weekend four – Standing and looking at your work you notice that, with all the recesses and adapting, nothing lines up. Reread the outside of the box. Go in to change clothes. This time don’t forget the pumps and the pearls. 

 

 

In : humor 


Tags: humor 
blog comments powered by Disqus

Easy as 1-2-3

Posted by Karen Hessen on Sunday, August 7, 2011 Under: humor
I thought you would enjoy seeing a humor piece that will be published in Vista, November 6, 2011.
I enjoyed writing it. I hope you enjoy reading it.

Easy as 1-2-3

by Karen R. Hessen

             When I see a do-it-yourself project kit with “Easy as 1-2-3” boldly written across the box under the picture of the handy homemaker wearing pumps and a string of pearls as she holds the drill in both hands aimed like she is fixing to shoot the lights out of the stars, I have hope. Hope even I can replace the hokey latches on my contractor- built gates.

            Could it be I mistook the meaning of “Easy as 1-2-3” to mean three easy steps? Here is how it really goes:

            Step one – mark and drill pilot holes on outside of gate making sure all latch parts are                                  level and thumb latch works easily. (four steps.)

            Step two – mark and drill pilot holes on inside of gate making sure all latch parts are level                             and the thumb latch is properly placed to lift the latching bar.  (four more steps.)

            Step three – close and secure the gate. (total: nine steps.)

Reality check:

            Weekend one – Mark and drill pilot holes on outside of gate making sure all latch parts are level and thumb latch works easily. Fill and repair all the holes you drilled incorrectly. Wait 48 hours for wood putty to harden.    

            Weekend two – Now that wood putty has hardened, start over with Step One. Since thumb latch does not extend far enough to lift the latching bar, go to hardware store. Buy screw adapter that recesses parts into the wooden gate frame. When you get home, it is too dark to continue.

            Weekend three – Too rainy in Oregon to work outside.

            Weekend four – Standing and looking at your work you notice that, with all the recesses and adapting, nothing lines up. Reread the outside of the box. Go in to change clothes. This time don’t forget the pumps and the pearls. 

 

 

In : humor 


Tags: humor 
blog comments powered by Disqus
 
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